Ramblings

I lift my head up and look at my body. The sun is so bright that the light green on my shorts looks almost white, and the white on my shirt is almost blinding. I lay my head back down and tilt it to the side so that I won't ash cigarette on myself. I inhale. I taste the smoke in my mouth, letting a little into my lungs. I exhale, and enjoy the feeling of my lungs being emptied.

Andrew used to say I didn't smoke the cigarettes right. He said I didn't inhale enough. Andrew can go fuck himself.

I think about all the men who tried to have sex with me this weekend. Four. I think about the audacity that must require; to believe that a minuscule amount of male attention will placate me into relations, to think that a text at 1:30AM will cause me to come running. They must see something in me. My friends complain that they don't receive this much attention. I don't know what I do.

I think about how offended each man was when I disdained him. His face turned ugly. In the minds of these men, I changed in that second. I was no longer a comrade. I became an enemy, a bitch, a cunt.

Reed will never attempt to have sex with me. He is Christian. He pulled me aside on Saturday and asked how my friend could call herself a feminist and still be throwing herself at his friend. I told him he has a fucked up view of how sex and relationships work. He didn't like that. He accused me of judging people and said that he could see my mind working and that Freudian psychology going off in my head.

I wanted to say that I do not practice Freudian psychology. My therapist is from the William White Institute.

I apologized. I don't think I could fully remove the smirk from my face. I don't think he likes me. If he lives such a sheltered life that this is the first time anyone has ever questioned his beliefs, that's his fucking problem.

My stomach cramps up. I haven't had a cigarette in over a month, and today I drank a full cup of coffee before class.

All through high school I was in advanced classes. Each class period was spent with my friends who, for the most part, shared similar academic backgrounds of myself. It was as though they spoke a different language than I did. I was compared to Hermione Granger. I felt that was a ludicrous claim.

If I am snobby, I am snobby. If I am a bitch, I am a bitch. I wonder when my excellence became disdained. God, I'm such an asshole.

I put the cigarette in the crevice between the two blocks of pavement in my driveway. There's a screw on that crack in the driveway; a long, silver, big fucking screw with no point. I pick it up and contemplate bringing it inside. No one would do anything with it inside. I place it back in the crack.

A car is coming up the driveway. I jump up and walk the dirt path to my door. I enter my house, and close the door behind me.