Voice Post: Coke Talk

I've been admiring Coke Talk since back in 2010. First she had her personal blog, which was a delightful shitshow following the world of the brilliant Los Angeles party girl who was "staggering through life with an eager nose and a sharp tongue." Quickly thereafter, readers started submitting questions to the wise Coke Talk, and she premiered her advice blog, "Dear Coquette." The tagline for this reads "Shady advice from a raging bitch who has not business answering any of these questions." In 2011 she ran a style blog, the sidebar explaining "a decadent orgy of materialistic delight in the pursuit of fashionable fuckery." She's designed purses and jewelry, and she's written the tongue-in-cheek book "Notes to My Future Husband: A Bitch's Guide to Our Happily Ever After."

Coke Talk is a direct woman. She's smart, educated, and painfully aware of the fleeting human condition. She posts something almost every day, whether it be on her personal blog or her advice blog, and she's not afraid to tell the truth. Several of her posts are named "On Fun-Sized Advice" and they contain quick bites of reality to the masses who write to her. A few examples

Why is it that I can look at a hot guy, want to make out with him, and know it would mean nothing, but it makes me feel sick to my stomach if I think about my boyfriend doing it? 
Because you are culturally conditioned to experience sexual jealousy.

Why do you say it’s important to have multiple relationships and/or sexual experiences/encounters? 
Because one day you’ll be dead.

I am really hung up on the fact that everyone I love will die. Just the thought of losing people hurts so much I cry sometimes. How do I cope with this fear? 
Quit whining and enjoy the people in your life.

Why do I feel the need for constant male attention?
It’s how you validate your sense of self-worth.

I really want to get my nose pierced, but all the naysayers always ask WHY. The truth is, I’m just a 19-year-old who thinks it looks cool with a bit of cash to burn. Do I need a good reason if I want it?
I’m not your mom. Stick whatever the hell you want into your stupid face.

Why are all philosophy professors such douchebags?
Because they spend their lives dealing with philosophy students.

If a guy routinely screws me from behind, does he not respect me?
Only if it’s a metaphor. Also, you’re an idiot.

How can i crush a man’s ego, rip it to shreds? 
Be better than him without needing him.

How to get your dignity back?
Fucking take it.

Will my girlfriend and I last? 
Nothing lasts.

These posts provide small insights into the mantra of Coke Talk without requiring her going into detail. Her voice is mature, confident, and direct. Through these simple sentence fragments she conveys a conversational tone, almost as though she were sitting at an interview in which questions are being thrown at her and she has neither the time nor the patience to flesh out her answer. She answers these quick questions with phrases, some of which, like "stick whatever the hell you want into your stupid face," she's used before. She's right. You're wrong.

The voice which Coke Talk uses depends heavily on your approach to her. If you are respectful and coherent in your writing she will answer your question in an understanding tone. If you ask a stupid question, she will be mean. Best of all, she doesn't care what you think of her.

At other times Coke Talk provides longer answers to her questioners. The following are from a post titled "On How You Look At It" in which she answers three different - but related - questions.

Do you think we’re a benefit to the Earth? Or unhealthy for it?
You would be wise to do two things:
First, don’t flatter yourself. We are of no consequence, and the Earth is indifferent. On a geological time scale, our measurable effect on the planet is a greasy burp.
Second, don’t separate yourself. It’s ridiculous to pretend that the concept of the collective “we” is somehow detached from the concept of the earth. There is no difference between the two.
What you’re really asking is whether our species in its current state of evolution is a benefit to the broader concept of life, and the only legitimate answer to a question like that is a Zen-like shrug of the shoulders.
Maybe we are. Maybe we aren’t. We’ll see.

Do you think a quarter-life crisis is an actual thing? I’m 20 years old and I feel like my life is over.
Your life isn’t over. Your childhood is over, and you just don’t know the difference yet.
As for whether a quarter-life crisis is an actual thing, sure it is. You can have an existential crisis at any age, and it’s perfectly reasonable to freak out in your early twenties when you suddenly realize that life is one big grind.
That’s no excuse to wallow in it, though. You’ve only got a few years in your early twenties when it’s culturally acceptable to screw around trying to find yourself. Don’t waste them being filled with angst and ennui.

As an average American, what do you think about the middle class?
The middle class is a cultural cliché without an internally consistent definition. It’s just an idiomatic device used by politicians and those in the media who want to represent the broadest area under the socio-economic bell curve. When reporters use it, they mean “not the rich and not the poor.” When candidates use it, they mean “you and everyone you know.”
The subtle counterpoint is calling me an “average American.” That phrase doesn’t draw attention to class distinctions, and it also has nationalistic connotations, which is why you’ll find more Democrats using the phrase “the middle class” and more Republicans using the phrase “average Americans.”
And of course, that’s really what you’re doing with this carefully loaded cocktail-party question. You’re just trying to suss out my political leanings.

These posts are longer and go more-depth into analysis. She uses a specific technique when analyzing these questions. She lays the information out clearly in different sections, starting with more heightened language and ending the answer with a short punch of a sentence. As a bonus to elucidate her spectacular writing ability, she has previously discussed her disdain for emoticons.

Coke Talk is, quite obviously, my hero. Her grammar is impeccable, she's well-read, and most importantly she's complex. Each time that she posts she expresses her mood through her writing, meaning that the Coke Talk you get one day is different than the Coke Talk to read on another. Nonetheless, her writing is always clear and distinct. Coke Talk's writing is the kind of writing to which I aspire.